Funny one liners

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.Just opened it and some bastard’s sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

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