My girlfriend said I had an obsession with the movie ‘Land before Time’

I replied “Yup Yup Yup”

I saw a guy lying unconscious in my street yesterday. I tried doing the hand-only CPR the way Vinnie Jones showed me on the British Heart Foundation advert. But by the time I found my Bee Gee’s CD, the bastard was already dead.

Son: “Dad, Did you know 93% of earth’s population masturbate in the shower, while the other 7% sing one song?”
Dad: “What song?”
*Starts laughing uncontrollaby*

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.

Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet says its got epilepsy. The vet says “it looks calm enough to me” Paddy says “I haven’t taken it out the fuckin bowl yet!

If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she’s a keeper

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door 
4. A book on how to read 
5. Inflatable dart board 
6. A dictionary index 
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter 
8. Powdered water 
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
11. Chocolate kettle
12. Lead life jacket
13. Fire resistent fire wood
14. Left handed screwdriver
15. Cardboard fire gaurd

Michael Jackson died at 58

Whitney,48

JFK,38

Amy Winehouse, 28

Justin bieber is nearly 18 just saying