Being an Evertonian on transfer deadline day is like being an African on Christmas eve, you live in hope but deep down you know your getting fuck all!

An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later. “How is it?” he asked entering the house. “Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.”

Three lunatics attempting to escape from a mental hospital:

The first one passes the guard, makes a sound of a cat, and escapes.

The second one does exactly the same, meowing like a cat, and gets out, too.

The third then passes near the guard and yells, “I’m a cat, too!”

One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, “Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!”
His wife asks, “Why?

The caveman replied “I didn’t stop to ask!”

A drunkard was trying to insert the key in his front door, but being unsteady every time he attempted he failed. A gentleman came along and seeing the frustration of the drunkard, he offered to help him to work the key in the lock. Thanking the gentleman about his offer, the drunkard said, “It is OK. I will manage the key myself, you just hold on to this house it seems to be shaky”.

Haha love this video how stupid is this dog!

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: “What was that for?”
Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one… of the horses I bet on.”
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she hits him with a frying pan again.
Man: “What was that for this time?”
Wife: “Your horse phoned.”