A Manchester United fan and a Liverpool fan were driving head on one night and their cars collide . To their amazement neither is hurt but both cars are destroyed. In celebration of their good luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on and the Liverpool fan goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 yr old bottle of whisky. He hands it to the Manc fan who exclaims, “may the Mancs and the Scousers live together forever in peace & harmony” & then gulps down half the bottle. He goes
to hand the bottle to liverpool fan who replies, “no thanks, i’ll just wait til the police get here you manc cunt”

Haha after this theif robs the bank, watch out for the most amazing escape method!! lol

Noel Edmund is to start a new program for the BBC,
continue reading "Noel Edmund new tv show joke"

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”

“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that…”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my house.”

A bar is empty except for two drunks. One of them staggers over to the other and says, “How’s it going? Where you from?”

The other guy says “Ireland.”

The first drunk says “That’s cool! I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a round for Ireland!” They both drink merrily.

Then the first guy says “So where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin.”

“Dublin? Awesome! I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another round for Dublin!” Once again, they both drink merrily.

Then the first guy asks, “So where did you go to school?”

“St. Mary’s, class of ’62″ answers the other guy.

“Incredible! I graduated in ’62 from St. Mary’s, too! Let’s have a round for St. Mary’s!” Once again, they suck down another round.

Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, “So what’s going on today?”

The bartender answers, “Nothing… The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

Police have uncovered a stash of guns hidden behind a liverpool library. A spokesman revealed locals are shocked, they had no idea there was a library in liverpool