Ha Ha What a funny character!

Did you hear about how quick the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
-He’s all right now.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
-He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
-A nervous wreck.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
-Anyone can roast beef but no one can pea soup

Where do you find a no legged dog?
-Right where you left him.

What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
-When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
-The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
-He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Yo mamma is SO FAT even her clothes has strech marks!

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

Paddy & Mick are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Mick ‘Im gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!’

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’

Mick watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home.’

So he leaves the site.

Mick starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.

‘I cant work in the friggin dark! ‘ says Mick.

This video is amazing, a gorilla that walks like a man. Crazy

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

The husband says ” WHAT???” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We ‘ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says “but you don ‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.’

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ” I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. ”

The husband says, ” no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife face goes blank.

” No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ” You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!”