My 84 year old dad and I shopping

Took my 84yr old Dad shopping & called into the pub for a pint, like you do. Sitting opposite was a teenager with green, blue & red hair. After putting up with my Dad staring at him for over half n hour, the teenager says, “What’s up old man, never done anything wild in your life?” Without batting an eyelid my dad replies, “Fucked a peacock once!… Just wondered if you were my son?”

Paddy and mick at the zoo

Paddy and Murphy staggered out of the zoo pouring with blood. “Bollocks to that” said Paddy, “that’s the last time I go fucking lion dancing!”

The mumbling man in hospital

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.
“Nurse”
he mumbles,
“Are my testicles black”?
Nurse raises his gown, holds his dick in one hand and his balls in the other.
She takes a close look & says,
“Theres nothing wrong with them sir”.
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly,
“thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully….!
Are-my-test- res-ults- back”…?

The widows revenge!

Martha recently lost her husband. She brought his ashes home and poured him out on the patio table. Whilst tracing her fingers thru his ashes she began talkin 2 him. “You know that fur coat you promised me? I got it with the insurance money!” “Remember the new car you promised me? Bought that as well” “Also the emerald necklace? Got that too!” “Remember that blow job I promised you !….. Get fuckin ready !”

2011 the UK Government will start shipping retards abroad

In 2011 the UK Government will start shipping retards abroad so the country looks tidy for the olympics.
My eyes watered when i thought of losing you. Love you. Be strong. Take your crayons x

Stupid idiot husband

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom and finds a stranger fuckin his wife. He says ” what the hell r u 2 doing” . His wife turns to the stranger and says ” I told u he was stupid”

Drunken lads at a brothel

2 men get drunk & visit a brothel. The Madame takes 1 look at em & says 2 her manager,”Go put inflatable dolls in the bedrooms, these guys r 2 old & drunk 2 notice.”Durin the walk home, the 1st man sez,”I think my girl was dead. She didnt move or make a sound !” The 2nd guy sez,”Cud be worse, I think mine was a witch !” A witch ? Why the HELL wud ya say that ? Well, I gave her a little bite on the arse she farted in my face & flew out the window

Drunk girl and her eye

A girl sneezed in the pub and her eye flew out and landed in my hand. I took it back to her and we got chatting. After a few beers and a bit of flirting, I took her home and shagged her all night. I asked her, Do u Shag everyone on a first date. She said no, Only those that catch my eye…..

The Blondes, Brunettes and A Double Decker Bus!

There’s a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers, blonde and brunette.

On the lower level of the bus, the brunettes are having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.

On the upper part of the bus, the blondes are seated… they’re in a panic. They’re screaming, terrified, and holding onto each other as the bus moves along the street.

Finally, a brunette gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask whats wrong, and one of the blonde’s replies, “what’s wrong?!? well, you’d be screaming too if you didnt have a driver!!!”

Paddy caught drink driving

Policeman pulls over Paddy for speeding
“have you been drinking sir?” Paddy replies
“yes officer i’ve had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 bacardi and cokes.”
Policeman says
“what the hell are you doing driving ??”
Paddy replies
“I couldn’t fuckin walk”